Home Again, but My Heart Stayed in Israel
It's already been two weeks since we had to go back home. During those first few days, I felt an emptiness, a kind of homesickness I cannot explain.
It made me wonder whether HaShem was still close to me and what I should do with the feelings that overwhelmed me. Before we left, I had already been afraid of feeling this way.
Deep down, I knew I would experience something that would not let me go. Although I am grateful for the life HaShem has given me here in the Netherlands—the people around me, the Noahide community, our pets, our little home and our camper Emunah, it does not fill that emptiness.
What do you do when your heart longs to be somewhere you cannot reach? That constant feeling of being drawn in and pushed away may well be the dance of our lives. Drifting between the world and HaShem, between not being Jewish and being Jewish, between the inclination towards evil and the good, between conflict and calm. A world of contradictions in which we never quite feel at home.
The search for truth has always been part of our lives. Although the truth looks different to each person, we searched for the truth that resonates with what we feel in our hearts.
The world is full of lies and deception, and nothing is what it seems. I always call it reverse psychology. A path that seemed perfect and clear can lead to confusion and sorrow, while the path that seems imperfect turns out to lead towards the destination.
And so, our journey to Israel was more than a holiday; it was a journey for the soul. Where others see a country full of conflict and chaos, I saw an organised chaos with a purpose. The land, the people, the events—everything unfolds as the story is meant to unfold. And I brought that thought home with me.
A week ago, answers we already held became even clearer. The possibility that our lives may take a different direction in the future comes from a deeply cherished wish and a heartfelt longing to serve HaShem.
Perhaps that is also why coming home has stirred so much within me. We are back here, everyday life goes on, but something inside us has changed. In Israel, the longing we had carried for so long was given more room. Now that we are home, I feel even more strongly how much it means to us.
We do not yet know how things will unfold. Sometimes that frightens me, precisely because it is so close to our hearts. But I hope we may take the steps ahead with trust, with HaShem as our guide.
And that homesickness? For now, it stays with me. In my thoughts, in my prayers, and in the hope that one day we may return. Because there is something about Israel that I find difficult to explain, but that I recognised deep within myself. A feeling of coming home to a place we had only just arrived in.
Written by Sarah
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